Well - today was supposed to be the launch of The Plannery's new site. And it still is. Cause it's up and running and I've just got to keep on keeping on.
But after this weekend's events in Charlottesville, I really feel odd just going on business as usual without addressing it. Cause it's deeply effecting me and I'm sure many of you.
I'm not gonna lie - I feel really stuck. And really, really angry. And really, really privileged.
I read somewhere that love and fury can coexist - that's sort of where I am right now. Cause while I'd like to focus on "love trumps hate" and remind you all that the good in this world (love, weddings, marriages, families, friends) will overcome all the bad... I don't really have faith in that at the moment. I'm grateful that my job will force me to remember. I'm grateful that my child and husband will force me to remember. But I also have to be honest that I'm not quite sure where to go from here.
Part of my problem is that I'm pregnant. With another baby girl. And while my problems are nothing compared to so many, I'm really struggling being pregnant during this truly effed up time. Struggling with the racism, sexism, misogyny, hatred and ignorance I see every. damn. day. Trying so bleeping hard to focus on the fact that if I work hard, and do everything in my being to raise good, proactive, anti-racist women, that IS something. But...right now it doesn't feel like enough. I'm struggling with self care vs. action and feel like I'm failing on all fronts.
So just keeping it real here. I'm going to do the small things I can - donate, educate, make proactive choices to raise my daughters with more knowledge and empathy, awareness of their white privilege and the inherent racism all around us. And hopefully faith that when my pregnancy is over and my girls are older I can do more and be more and do better.
More on the new website tomorrow. Much love to everyone.